ow did I get out of it? Oh, I'm not out of it! I'll never be out of it. But the adrenalin high started to seem unnatural. Like Vietnam nurses I read about who became addicted to danger, to extreme circumstances, to emergencies. To mangled limbs and exposed organs. They had trouble readjusting to normal life. My clandestine adventure reached its apogee when I went to Stockholm.

I went with Ted, a simple business trip. "You have to do this once every ten years, Gail," he said. "Okay!" Another convention where I'm invisible. I exist in my world, not his. Lars was the hotel chef. I've always liked guys with skills.

You might ask what was I searching for. I'm not dependent on men for my identity. Lars was unique. Little fish and eggs and toque. He was jolly. I needed jolly. I needed a release from all the high drama in my life. I told him everything on our first meeting, when he gave me Aquavit and herring-all alone in a big dining room. Green and white with pink flowers. He spoke perfect English and sat with me all afternoon.

guy with thinning hair and twinkling eyes, a plump version of that German actor with a mole. What's his name? the one who often plays a bad guy. Klaus-Maria Brandauer. Okay, Lars was laughing about every hop I'd taken in the Cessna, about Harlan's gambling, about Ted's boring job. "Marry me," he said. "Have a man in every port." I laughed. I felt really drunk though I'd had only two shots.

I was exhausted. I loved Harlan and Ted, but I hardly had time to paint or bike or do anything except in relation to them. For a few seconds, I actually considered his proposition. Then I remembered, "No," I said. "I don't want to be married." He lifted me up from the chair and planted a sloppy kiss on my mouth. He chucked me under the chin. "So earnest," he said, "not good."

Then we drank some more and I almost peed my pants. I've never met a funnier person. A Swedish Stephen Wright, with wacky images. I began to think of marrying him. I imagined flying to Sweden 3-4 times a year and carrying on in hotel suites. Tottering about the halls. He lived in the hotel, one of the perks, living in a four star.