One More Solution

by George Haberberger

Editor's Note:
Some articles posted to Usenet newsgroups deserve to outlive their expiration date. Last year, before the demise of Jerry Garcia, online Deadheads were actively debating the future of the Dead scene and the mounting problems outside shows. With the anticipation of some Dead-related "Ship-of-Foolooza" summer tour in the offing, I thought it was time to dust off some of these suggestions. Now, are there any television producers in the Deadhead world interested in creating these public-service spots?

All this talk about talking to the gate-crashers to restore harmony to the scene is wishful thinking, it may work in a ashram somewhere, but it kind of presupposes that the creeps actually care about the scene. Come on, the Dead is a uniquely American institution, let's get an American solution to the problem!

What do Americans do better than anybody, hell, we practically invented it? Drop ATOMIC BOMBS on people in our way! err, I mean ADVERTISING! I have a couple of ideas percolating in my mind, inspired from other ads:

Set break at a concert, two older people are talking, a women with grey streaked hair wearing a long granola dress, and a balding man whose remaining hair as been tied back into a pony-tail, his XXL dye unable to conceal his paunch:

M: This reminds me of that Fillmore show.

W: Yeah, it was a freaky scene. Cosmo had just been drafted and off to Cu Chi, Sunflower was being framed for conspiracy by those Nixonian thugs.

M: None of us knew how to farm, we were living off that bag of brown rice at the commune.

W: Wow, what a long strange trip. Hey, I was talking to Jerry's broker the other day and he put me onto a new muni.

M: I'd love to, but Thoreau's prep-school tuition bill just came, and the 944's brakes need work.

Voice-Over: The Grateful Dead, the music your parents listen to.

Two teens are talking, dressed in flannels shirts, Guatamalan pants, Tibetan hats, Chuck's.

Be: How was your weekend, brah?

Bu: Kewl, I was hanging out at the Dead show.

Be: Mine was kewl too, I went to a party, saw a great band, the lead singer is the nice red-haired girl, I think she likes me. Anyhow, we shared a bowl after, jammed a little, and they want me to play out with them.

Bu: Kewl, I drank some warm Bud, at $2 a can, had the runs all week from a burrito I bought there, got a headache from a few $5 balloons, bought a rad shirt for $25, and spent $50 on bogus doses.

Be: How was the show?

Bu: Who cares?

A young man, dressed in a tie dye and cut offs is in front of a grey hanging cloth background:

"After a hard day protesting the war, getting tear gassed and clubbed, I need the Dead to unwind. Smash the State!"

Man is a little older, wearing jeans, sandals and a beard.

"Yeah, I married the old lady, we went to see the Dead for our honeymoon."

Man is a little older, and heavier.

"We talked them down 3k, but they made us pay a few more points."

Voice-Over: The Grateful Dead, it makes a body older and more respectable.

Two teens, dressed for thrashing, are checking the bearings on their boards:

Be: Yeah man, the Dead is a real cool scene, lots of partying, the people are so mellow:

Voice Over: The Grateful Dead, when you're too old to mosh!

Copyright © 1996
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