Here ‘tis. Let us know if any of this comedy-stuff don’t work too good. All feedback gratefully accepted. Also, do the em-dashes need to get replaced with fancy HTML coding? Also Also, we never came up with a good title for this thingy.
"Ricardo Loves Bobo!"
"Herve Is the Bandit!"
"Aaron Spelling Yanks!"
probably don’t cut it. Got any suggestions?
This article should get credited to Bill Cassel and Dan Brodnitz (with thanks to Elisabeth Beller, Jeff Green, Barbara Dahl, Bob Myren)
OK. ‘Nuff stalling. Here’s the schtick:
This just in from La La land:
On the heels of the enormously successful Star Wars: The Special Edition, producers are rushing to digitally enhance your favorite films and TV shows from years gone by. Herewith, a handful of high-profile examples:
- Director Mike Nichols says he’s delighted with the way audiences have embraced a re-release of The Graduate, in which Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft "really get it on."
- The estate of Orson Welles is pulling out all the stops to finally get Welles’ greatest work in front of a sizable audience. Although no one would go on record with the exact plans, a close family friend was quoted as saying simply, "Two words: Citizen Pauly."
- In July, Quentin Tarantino’s Rolling Thunder will release an anniversary edition of Smokey and the Bandit 3: Smokey Is the Bandit. Burt Reynolds, who did not appear in the original version for money reasons, will reprise his role in footage digitally matted onto existing film—again for money reasons.
- In response to a massive bioelectric audience-response study, Aaron Spelling has announced plans to yank hunky Herve Villechaize from syndicated episodes of Fantasy Island—because test audiences found scenes of the late midget "too sad"—and swap in Fred Astaire as "Bobo," a mysterious dancing mute.
- In a related item, the now-available image of Herve Villechaize will be inserted into several films deemed "insufficiently sad," including Fast Times at Ridgemont High, where a grinning, white-suited Villechaize will now be visible in a corner of the bathroom behind Judge Reinhold.
- According to the London Gazette, Roddy McDowall is "not quite sure what to make of" a new letterboxed Planet of the Apes laser disc created especially for overseas release, in which a small penis is digitally affixed to Charlton Heston's forehead and all references to "bright eyes" are replaced with references to "penis-head man."
- Sir Richard Attenborough has teamed up with Industrial Light & Magic to release a Very Special Edition of his Academy Award winning classic, in which Gandhi is sat upon by a chortling Jabba the Hutt for nearly four-and-a-half minutes.
Of course, any trend of this magnitude is likely to trigger a few controversial decisions. Lawyers are already exchanging high-fives over rumors that Woody Allen has put up substantial funding to remove Mia Farrow from all future editions of Rosemary’s Baby and replace her with Soon-Yi. And reliable sources are reporting that, in lieu of a multimillion-dollar settlement, Fred Goldman is pursuing a deal to replace the character of "Nordberg," played by O.J. Simpson in all three Naked Gun movies, with digitally enhanced footage of the entire Goldman family. (Although word is, they may be holding out for starring roles in the two Naked Gun prequels currently being filmed in South America.)